Many of us look at being single as a means to an end, right?
Like being single is a placeholder in our lives until we find the right one.
Sometimes being single is good, and sometimes being single is bad. But regardless to how we look at being single, there is a lesson in that period of our lives.
Here are 5 lessons I learned about being single.
1) I found the solace in solitude!
I literally stopped liking myself and started loving myself.
Well I first had to learn to love myself. In order for me to do that I had to accept that I didn’t currently love myself, because I didn't know my worth.
Most of us don't want to admit that, hence the reason why we often get caught in a cycle of unhappiness or loneliness.
I realized that I didn’t love myself because I was still searching for answers regarding who I was, my purpose and what made me happy. Based on that alone I had to accept the fact that I didn't know myself and I certainly didn't see myself.
So I began to spend a lot of time alone. I wrote in journals, listened to music, danced in mirrors and thought in silence.
I got to know what I wanted, what I loved, enjoyed, valued and sought in this life.
In those times of solace, I encountered my purpose. And I shaped my walk to align with that purpose. So much so that I hadn't even realized that my focus was completely off of relationships and solely on me.
I began to see myself, and I saw beauty. I no longer referred to myself as cute. And any regard I had for outside opinions diminished. I learned to see only what I saw, and never consider what anyone else said or didn't regard as beautiful. I walked in the essence of me. I had confidence beyond my wildest dream. And I now knew what I deserved and how to recognize what was for me.
I found solace in solitude, because I established a relationship with ME.
2) I realized that I was my primary focus!
Once I found comfort in being alone and gained a desire to establish a relationship with myself, I focused more on building that relationship.
It wasn’t enough to love me, I really wanted to build on that relationship. I didn’t believe that anyone should know me, better than I know myself. So I dated myself. And from that I learned the strength in oneness.
I never understood the comfort in being able to be alone in public, until I spent time getting comfortable with me. And now it's powerful to see a woman, alone at a bar, dinner or movie. I believe women who are comfortable don't look pathetic, bored or scared; instead they look fearless, bold and comfortable.
I was happy with becoming comfortable with me. I had no one to answer to and no one’s feelings to put ahead of my own. There was a certain peace in that.
I also recognized how important it is to give yourself a place in your life. Most often we allow the people in our lives (children, husbands, parents, etc.) to take precedent over us. So I learned to separate me from my family. I grew to understand that pleasing and focusing on myself was not selfish, but necessary. Because, if you don't put forth the energy and effort, you will ultimately lose yourself.
3) I said "hello" to intuition!
Once I gained comfort with being myself, and made myself my primary focus (solace in solitude), I discovered how naturally my intuition became more recognizable.
It went from being an uncertain thought or feeling to being distinct and clear. I was able to make decisions with little discussion or debate. My intuition became my primary resource for consult.
And because I became more in tune with me, my intuition naturally became my safe haven, my comfort in the storm, my right hand and my sound mind. When everyone else is unsure, I am always certain.
I welcomed that clarity.
4) I dropped the "placeholder" mentality!
When you love yourself and are self-aware, settle is a term that will not be in your vocabulary. Because not only do you understand what you want and need when you’re in a relationship, you understand what you won't accept.
When you settle, you accept anything, while in search of something greater.
When you settle, your always shopping for a new man/woman to be your mate. So your always in "ready to check out mode".
For example, it's like when you discover that the item you went to the store for is "out of stock", but instead of waiting until it comes in, you buy what you see, to fill in for the time you await your desired item to arrive.
In that instance, you settled for the "placeholder" item, instead of waiting for what you really wanted to come in.
I learned that I needed to release the expectation for mediocrity. But in order for me to do that, I had to accept that I had no time for complacency and no energy for comfort. So I reaffirmed, with myself the necessity of patience. Patience to wait on what I deserved.
I changed my mindset, so I would not be so eager. And encouraged myself to wait for what's for me and what I truly desired.
I dropped the "placeholder" mentality, because why settle with someone else when I can love on myself?
“When you’re capable and comfortable with waiting, you resist settling.”-Audreyanna Garrett
5) I learned that being secure & confident is sexy!
I used to believe that men desired or sought a certain look in order to regard a woman as confident and sexy.
I thought maybe if I wore all the right brands, heels, and clothes (that showed off or accented my figure) that men would flock to get my attention and time. But, I quickly learned the hard way, that's not the case. I realized that I began to get more attention when I walked in my own comfort.
Being comfortable in your own skin makes you appealing and sexy. And I learned to embrace this theory more when my weight fluctuated but the attention I gained remained steady.
I discovered that we don't have to be a Barbie or have a coke bottle frame to be admired or to be regarded as sexy. So I embraced me and became more certain, in who I was. Because of that certainty, my confidence spoke before me.
And no I was not cocky, I genuinely loved me and did not seek any recognition for it. And those that appreciated that confidence, sought me.
Initially, I was surprised because I never knew exactly what men found interesting. But I appreciated that they would genuinely engage with me, and would find me almost fascinating.
After learning these lessons, I no longer fear being single. I understand the purpose of being single is becoming one with yourself. And that it's a necessary part of growth and development. Therefore I appreciate opportunities to get to know and love myself.
And because of singleness, I don't second-guess my decisions, I trust my intuition and I am self confident, aware and loving.