The greatest question for many daters is when is the "right" time to have sex. And it became an even greater topic when Steve Harvey beganmotivating women all over the world to adopt the "90 day rule". A rule that encourages women to abstain from sex in the first 90 days of dating or a relationship. Harvey proclaims that the 90 day rule is key for women who wish to establish boundaries and foster long lasting relationships.
Now to think that you only need to wait 90 days to essentially "tame" a man, or provoke a different result is very interesting. Not to mention, the 90 day rule is very generous, especially if you grew up in a good southern Baptist church like I did.
I remember like it was yesterday, sitting in a pew listening to the preacher place heavy emphasis on abstaining from sex until marriage, in every bible study session. Essentially because marriage is a sacred union, and until your married all sexual acts are deemed unholy.
And a Christian's greatest fear is the repercussion for participation in anything unholy. So, with consideration to Steve Harvey's ideology, to make us wait only 90 days, is very generous, especially considering we are to wait much longer, according to religious principle.
But even with knowledge of the Christian consequence, just as Eve had known God said not to eat fruit from the tree of knowledge, we anticipated tasting the fruit, and succumbing to fornication. Which doesn't come as much of a surprise to many because Eve, Adam's biblical companion, set the precedent that resisting temptation was far too hard to do. So, even though our minds try to fight temptation, we fall victim to the desires of the flesh, everyday.
And because of the expectation to marry, we severely fear being single. We fear being single, rightfully so though, because the more American culture shoves the perfect family and white picket fences down our throats, the more we want it. Therefore, abstaining from sex, while encouraged, is hardly be exercised.
So you see a constant back and forth between those who wait, don't wait or adopt the 90 days rule. But when that doesn't work, then they rededicate themselves to abstaining until marriage.
But if we paid attention, we'd quickly learn that timing of sex, has no true impact on the success of a relationship.
So why do we even question when is the right time?
Well, I think it's because we don't want to feel promiscuous, or like we are giving up something (sacred) and getting nothing of value in return. When you spend $100 or more on a vacuum, you don't want it to break right way, right? But unlike sex, when that vacuum breaks you can return it. Unfortunately there's a no return policy on intimacy.
And while we like to think that when we give someone that part of us, it has to be in the perfect moment, minute and hour of the day, even in the best of circumstances, timing has no effect on whether the relationship will last.
So technically, it doesn't matter when you have sex, but more so why you have sex.
Therefore the real question should be is it worth it?
In order to determine if it is indeed worth it, we'd have to admit that sex without self-awareness, does have it's consequences. And when I say self-awareness, I'm specifically referring to your motives and desires.
Which you can discover by answering the following questions:
Are you having sex to seek love?
Are you having sex to secure/keep a man/woman?
Are you not having sex to seem modest?
Are you abstaining from sex to "tame" or "control" a man/woman?
Are you having sex to "tame" or "control" a man/woman?
Our motives and desires not only tell the "why" we choose to have sex, but it also tells us whether we are capable of handling the emotions associated with sex.
If in fact you are a person who can't identify their motives and desires, then your immature in life and love, and should abstain until you can articulate these things.
But for those who openly admit to being shallow in their motives and desires, using sex to get, keep, tame, control or use someone, it says a lot about your character. And that you should spend more time working on self-love and self-actualization, to address these insecurities.
For others, who walk in the emotions of connecting with someone, and identify the "right time" as a period in which you seek to explore another connection with someone you heavily like or love, only you know when your ready to take that step.
You more thank likely rely on intuition, so you know your choice/decision is not in vain. And you believe in your intent, so you properly communicate expectations, leaving no uncertainty before and after you take that step.
But then that leaves us to question why there are so many people who can't handle the emotions associated with sex, that continue to have sex?
Well let’s be honest, once you bit the apple, it's the point of no return. No matter how hard you try to abstain, most will eventually break. And because you have no indication of how much power the emotions of intercourse evoke, in your ignorance, you attempt to categorize or associate emotions experienced during sex as love, without considering the concept of soul ties.
But if you understood yourself, you would understand your motives, desires, expectations and how to deal with emotions associated with sex.
But since most do not, you allow yourself to connect with someone with unspecified or ill-intentions/motives and desires. Therefore you make it harder to determine why you can't handle or address emotions experienced from sexual encounters.
And because you get tangled in that lack of understanding, you miss out on stages of personal growth and development.
I'm sure we have all wondered how some people have sex and not be emotional. Well I am here to tell you that it's because they are
self-aware and know what they expect from any given situation. They have addressed their expectation going in, through rationalization and proper communication. They won't allow themselves to feel when they don't want to feel.
And then there are others who can't understand why they are so in love with just about every person they are intimate with. And well that's because they have not gained the self-awareness necessary to manage those emotions.
While there is no right way to date, I learned that there are several factors that contribute to a man's willingness to chose a woman to be his wife. And I bet if I took a poll, no man would say he was only marrying a woman because she made him wait.
So again I ask, when is the right time to have sex?
That's based on your individual motives, desires and ability to manage emotions associated with sex. For some of you it may be 90 days. For others it could be until marriage. But for most of us, it will be when we are able to recognize that not everyone deserves that part of us, and that we should only share that part of us when our intentions are as pure and transparent as our expectations.
We should also be receptive to the idea that connections that develop in the absence of sex, breed the desire to want to have sex.
So knowing this, why would you fight those emotions?
Because we all know you can, wait, but why would you want to?