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I forgive you, but... (Conditional Forgivers)

March 16, 2017

 

I find the phrase "I forgive you, but..." odd, simply because when you pardon or forgive behavior, it's almost impossible to not accept the consequences, effects and/or impact of that behavior.

 

I read a post on social media that suggested an anonymous follower was seeking advice. She wondered if she was right to forgive her husband for infidelity, yet not accept the child that he conceived during that 

infidelity.

 

Now if you're anything like me, you immediately questioned, how can you forgive your husband, take him back and not accept the child, or expect that he have no relationship with that child?  

 

Sounds ridiculous, right?

 

Indeed it is, because you can't, now or ever, fully accept another individual without complete ACCEPTANCE. The two just go hand and hand.  

"Forgiveness doesn't have conditions..."-Audreyanna Garrett (AudriWrites)

To grant conditions on forgiveness is SELFISH. And to be frank, it's just NOT forgiveness.

 

Now some of you may recall my post on the Act of Forgiveness, so if you need a refresher on that, this post makes complete sense, please feel free to revisit.

 

And for those of you who are aware of what the act of forgiveness entails, you have no problem acknowledging that you can't forgive anyone with conditions. The very last step of forgiveness (step five) is acceptance.

 

So to establish conditions or get upset with his/her significant other for lack of compliance, is shameful.  

 

If you have to forgive someone with conditions, this means only two things: 

 

1) You don't (and most often won't) forgive the other person, so it's time to move on.

 

Too many people want love so bad, they attempt to make themselves and their loved ones believe that conditional forgiveness is their way of "making it work". Unfortunately it's better to move on when you can not forgive wholeheartedly and accept all circumstances associated with forgiveness.  

 

Anyone who forgives with conditions is a perfect example of a selfish lover. Selfish lovers punish their partners for issues they fail to address have with themselves. When you love selfishly, most often you can't, won't or don't know how to love yourself, so lean on your partner for the love you should be giving to you.

 

In turn, your expectations of your partner's love are often farfetched. So in hindsight, selfish lovers demand more of their partners than they are willing to give themselves, there is no balance. Their needs will always supersede their partner's needs, which leaves partners feeling inadequate and/or always searching for approval. That in itself being the reason why, they allow themselves to "accept" the conditions of their partner's forgiveness.

 

2) Your concern for your pride is far greater than your concern for forgiveness.

 

Some of us fear the perception of our forgiveness far more than actually forgiving someone.

 

Why?  

 

Society typically frowns upon individuals who forgive infidelity. After all, divorce was created so that we did not have to work on relational hardships. Divorce is an easy out for those who can't accept that they may have had a part in their partner seeking comfort in another.  

 

Which leaves many to question, why try to hold on to someone you can not forgive?  

 

Or is it that you can "forgive" the individual, yet your pride won't allow you to accept your new circumstances?  

 

Either way, it is on you how you choose to move on, but forgiveness with conditions is not the answer.

 

So ask yourself, are you a conditional forgiver? Why or Why not?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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