Being single is either a choice or an inevitable situation. Granted we all want to believe that we are single by choice, unfortunately however, most often that is NOT the case.
So, why are you single?
I asked myself this question several years ago and I was forced to evaluate previous relationships, OBJECTIVELY!
Post evaluation, I determined that being single was less of a choice, it was inevitable for me. I realized in that moment that until I addressed my deficiencies and gained realistic expectations, that I would ultimately remain SINGLE.
So, here are 7 questions I asked myself to help determine why, I was inevitably SINGLE!
1) Are you are fixed on your EX?
Do you have the occupied sign on your forehead?
Sometimes we don't realize that we are warning off potential mates/partners because we are still stuck on an Ex or have yet to deal with unresolved issues from previous relationships.
Closure is a necessity for a reason. It is important that you make sure to gain closure on past relationships and clarity on why you all didn't work out, in order to better yourself for your next partner. There is no way you can go into a "new" relationship with "old" baggage!
2) Are you stuck on "the List"?
If you've got a list of 25 or more items your partner or potential partner must have, this one is for you.
You're more than likely single because your mate doesn't exist. We like to think that we have "standards" but the common misconception is that standards are often confused with expectations. We cannot always assume that people will act as we want them to, that’s unrealistic, therefore so is "the List"!
"Let go of your expectations and learn to start practicing acceptance!"-AudriWrites
Having standards is different from having unrealistic expectations. Standards are qualities with moral consideration that you require from another individual. In opposition to expectations, which are assumptions or a pre-determined set of behavioral responses or beliefs you anticipate another individual will comply with.
When you understand the difference between the two, you begin to understand your role in your inability to establish and maintain a relationship.
3) Are you playing games?
Are you someone who enjoys game playing when single, but when you are trying to be in a relationship old habits follow?
If so, it's important for you to understand that in order to be open to a new relationship, you must check your games at the door.
Relationships are for people who want to seriously get to know someone and are open to exploring the possibility of long-term partnership, which may ultimately end in marriage. Mind games and/or playing hard to get will just send the wrong message.
Your potential mate/partner is learning who you are by what you show them. If by playing games you show them behavior that is not entirely you, when you try to show them the "real you", they will either dislike you or "not recognize" you, and walk away.
So, if you want to truly be open to “new” relationships, you better try hard to stop playing "single" games, or you will remain single.
4) Are you in a "Situation-ship"?
One of the joys of being single is that you can be free to date as often as you like. However, if you believe that "situation-ships" are "relationships" you will be single forever.
In order to be open to a new relationship we must let go of "situation-ships". One common misconception is that "situations" turn into relationships after years, but if you didn't set the boundaries or standards of the "situation" before it began, chances are, you will be in that "situation" until you walk away. You don't want to miss out on your potential husband or wife because you’re in a "situation" do you?
5) Are you waiting on a "Fairytale"?
While it's great if you believe that your potential husband or wife will sweep you off your feet, you are closing yourself off to the reality of dating if you believe every encounter will be graceful, effortless and romantic.
NEWSFLASH: Please WAKE UP from your daydream.
Just because you want love to come to you as it happens in the fairytales or movies, doesn't mean it will happen that way in real life.
For example, have you ever had a conversation with couples who have been dating and/or married for tens of years. If you ever ask them how their relationship started, most often the story of how their love begins with "I didn't want to talk to him/her" or "I didn’t believe he/she was the one"? And that's usually because the encounter probably wasn't ideal.
So, don't set yourself up to fail with the unrealistic "fairytale" expectation. Be open to finding love in usual and/or unexpected circumstances.
6) Are you scared to date?
Doesn't matter how or when you meet someone, you will eventually need to "date" them if you want to be in a relationship.
So if you refuse to date, and/or don't want to date, ask yourself if your fear of dating is keeping you from being in a relationship.
Ask yourself, what are you insecure about?
If you are capable of being honest with yourself, maybe you're not comfortable with answering questions about yourself, or you're not comfortable enough with yourself to be around someone else. OR you could even fear saying the wrong thing.
Dating is all about being comfortable in the skin you are in!
If you’re single and scared to date, you should probably stay single and learn to date yourself first. Because last time I check, relationships don't last when partners do not date.
7) Are you sure you know what you need?
Are you one of those people who cannot articulate what they are looking for in a mate or know how to identify and articulate your needs in a relationship?
If so, this is definitely a reason you're single, because essentially you don't know what you're looking for and/or need in a partner. And just because you may be capable of making a "list", it doesn't mean you can actually identify those qualities in a mate.
So what do you do?
Being able to identify needs in a relationship has a lot to do with understanding why previous relationships may or may not have worked. You have to be able to identify patterns in your behavior to be able to identify what you need.
Also, you should be able to understand your personality and what traits and/or characteristics are compatible with your personality. This will help you identify if the individual is someone who can meet your needs.
And when you are dating, be sure to be open to conversation so that you don't have to assume a potential partner has what you’re looking for. Talking is key. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by physical traits.
So, knowing all of this, can you honestly now answer whether you are single by choice? Or if you are single due to inevitable circumstance?