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How did "I" get here?

July 14, 2018

 

Every month I like to think that my posts for the month will have a theme, but today I realized that life doesn't happen on themes...

I've had several conversations with a friend, and more recently she shed a lot of clarity on my poorly rationalized desire to maintain a current relationship. It was easy for me to take her advice and/or hear her perspective because she and I had similar relationships, mine a friendship, but hers was a mutually agreed upon intimate relationship, and because of the similarities in dynamic and experiences our challenges were too similar for comfort, so it made it easy to identify with the lessons she had learned. 

 

Originally, after our shared stories/love lessons, it was suggested that I write this post titled, "How did we get here", but I changed it to How did "I" get here?, because I think a lot of the time we want to place blame on others, without identifying blame that should be placed on ourselves...

HISTORY:

 

I thought I was in love, and well while I certainly still believe that to be true, I realized that after years of maintaining a very strong and loving friendship, that the possibility of a life partnership, was not as promised. While we had both been supportive, loving, considerate and thoughtful of one another, I realized that I was a bit more open to the possibility of forever than he seemed to be. And instead of accepting that, I began to rationalize his behavioral changes. And while the number of life challenges we had endured and supported one another through increased, the rate at which we endured those challenges together deceased. 

 

What did that mean? 

 

Well for me I believe it meant that we were not on the same page, and fearfully, the chance of us getting on the same page seemed to be never, rather than later..

 

PRESENT: 

 

I, like many, have been in a number of mutually beneficial 

friendships, but the latter, I had been re-evaluating over and over and over again, in hopes that one day, he and I would be on the same page, and/or decide to take a leap of faith (in absence of fear) and risk losing everything for something greater.

 

I personally had come to realize that the risk for me, was not in losing everything, it was more or less the fear of hurting him and/or not being of the same value to him, that he was to me. But either way, I definitely didn't want to face the reality that I was not what he wanted/needed especially when I wanted and needed him...

 

So, I had to ask myself, "How did I get here?", me without him, him without me and for reasons either not yet identified/accepted or not very clear...

 

After further reflection, I was also determined to identify whether his interest matched my interest. And while that is still being 

considered, what I did discover is that when I reached my point of "no return", everything that I had asked for, seemed to be worth demonstrating. It's funny how motivation is found, when the end feels near...

 

Because I'm a very vocal person I am very clear about my feelings and my needs. And because I know what I need, I make sure to give opportunities to determine if those needs can be met, and if the desire to meet those needs are present. 

 

I had to be very honest with myself, I had recognized several things that let me know "we" were not what we should have been, and not anything near what we had been. Now one may argue that life changes people and things, and I couldn't agree more. The changes I am referring to however, are more behavior and response, for example, desire and motivation. If I don't mean the same as I once did, you don't behave the same as you once did. And for me, while this separation could very well be a temporary moment of reflection on both of our behalf, going without makes me more sufficient, so when I lose the appreciation for the attachment, I no longer desire the attachment.

 

Absence increases my ability to sustain the future, without you!

 

And because I wouldn't dare place blame solely on "him", I realized that I had put up with a lot, with regard to encouraging bare minimum behavior. As I have previously stated, unaddressed behavior is certainly condoned behavior. At some point, I realized that I wanted more, so I was willing to risk letting go of it all.

 

So, how did I get here, to this place of discontentment and confusion. Well I made the choice, to deserve and want more. I made the choice not to be wrapped in a lifetime of uncertainty. I want to be something that someone can be sure of, not someone that you have to reconsider at every turn. And I too got tired of reconsidering. But I guess that is one of those consequences of love. Yet, regardless to our current state, I too know that I, at the point that I was in, experiencing some of the most memorable moments of my life, I needed him, I needed his support, his concern, his genuine heart and resilience. I needed him to be everything for me I hope I have been to him. And if the Lord says the same, we will be able to exist again, in a place of unselfish love and unwavering friendship, or we'd be ok to exist with the beautiful memories of what we were...

 

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