Mastering Forgiveness: The Art of Letting Go
Forgiveness is hard!
It is important to recognize the difficulty of forgiveness because so often, we feel as if we've mastered it, but we've usually avoided it. Through this post, you will learn not only how to forgive but also how to continue on without the burden of anxiety and grudge-holding.
To set the stage, let's look at a couple of scenarios.
Scenario 1: Mood Changes - Ever notice how your entire mood changes when someone walks into a room? Mood changes are the body signaling a need to explore your feelings.
Now, while mood can change for the better or worse, we will speak in terms of "worse" for this post. So, when you notice that another's presence can negatively shift your mood, that's typically because of an unresolved experience, circumstance, situation, or discussion that should be addressed. The motivation to address the problem depends on the relationship with the person in question. For a stranger, that may not be worth time and effort to address, but we owe it to the relationship to handle the concern with a significant other, friend, or family member. And even if it cannot be resolved, we owe it to ourselves to forgive and release.
Scenario 2: Arguments - Ever notice how arguments become a battle between your perception and someone elses? This is typically a sign that two parties are passionate about their feelings and want to be heard but refuse to communicate effectively. While effective communication is another topic (Communication 101 - click the link for more details), you can learn to move forward without reaching an agreement. It's called agreeing to disagree! It is the process of respecting differences that requires elements of forgiveness to move forward and maintain a relationship that is supportive of conflict without being dictated by conflict. In other words, learn to resolve the issues without living in the issues.
Regardless of the scenario, what's often not considered is how much energy goes into "holding a grudge." Learning to master forgiveness drastically reduces the amount of energy given to others in moments when we need to address and resolve emotions that overcome us so much that we end up holding a grudge. Allowing arguments and grudges to impact our mood and energy prevents us from achieving peace and stifles our growth.
So how should you forgive?
It sounds like a simple question, but most of us have the hardest time performing the act of forgiveness. So, here are some simple steps that help with this process.
Here are 5 steps in Mastering Forgiveness!
Step One: Release the Expectation
To start the process of forgiving, we must actively release "the expectation" of the conversation, confrontation, or argument. So, to ensure we are all operating under the same understanding, the expectation would be how you thought the situation will go or should have gone.
We naturally assume how individuals will or should have "responded" to thoughts, complaints, concerns, or issues. When the individual does not respond as we "anticipate," we find ourselves overthinking what should have been or what we "expected." This assumption of expectation causes us to lose control over our response when the situation doesn't go as planned.
However, to forgive, we must let go of that expectation to become objective. Objectivity is required for identifying the problem. Especially in instances where our issue was a projection and not worth the argument in the first place. Where we find that all we were arguing about was the fact that the other person did not "act" or "respond" the way we "wanted" or "anticipated." It is then that we can skip step two, be accountable and apologize for our role in causes the argument (step three and four). And in step five, work to accept that this is a negative quality that we have that we need to develop.
Step Two: Identify the Problem
Step two sounds easy enough, but we sometimes have a hard time objectively identifying why we are even mad in the first place. With that in mind, I have composed a list of questions to help identify the problem.
Some questions to consider:
What did you hope to accomplish from the conversation/confrontation?
Did you accomplish that goal?
Did your feelings get hurt?
Are you mad because you didn't get your way?
Is/Was the other party unreasonable?
Are they not listening to you?
Are they not identifying with your concerns, feelings, etc.?
Did you identify with their concerns, feelings, or issues and reject them?
These are just a few questions you should ask yourself when determining the root of the issue. Identifying the issue's root prepares you to take ownership of your part in the matter.
Step Three: Take Ownership of Your Role
We must understand that more than one party is involved in a disagreement or argument. Therefore, we must be able to accept our role. Here are some questions to support you with accepting the need to own your part.
Some questions to consider:
Did you initiate the argument?
Did you overreact?
Did you misunderstand the other party's intent?
Did you project a closed-off demeanor or lack of interest in the other party's concern?
Did you have unrealistic expectations of the other party?
These questions assist with identifying your role in the miscommunication of feelings, emotions, or concerns. Once you become aware of the problem, you can accept your role. Acceptance helps you clarify whether the argument and/or grudge was necessary. This will also call attention to areas of opportunity to grow so that you can learn to avoid them in future situations proactively. Actively working on these things will help you better manage how to respond in future.
Step Four: Apologize for Your Role
Regardless of with whom, for what, when, or where a grudge was initiated, or the argument started, there is something to be held accountable for. For example, consider whether you allowed it to escalate, whether your demeanor provoked or caused the argument, whether you were looking for a particular response you did not receive, or whether you had unrealistic expectations of the other party. Each plays a role in triggering or escalating and prolonging an argument/grudge. Once you take ownership of YOUR behavior, you can objectively understand why the other party may have responded in the way they did. It is through empathy that we can find a way to assume responsibility for our part.
But until you identify your role and apologize for it, you will not be able to empathize with the other party's feelings.
Step Five: Acceptance
The final step in the act of forgiveness is acceptance. Regardless of whether the other party completes each step of this process, we have to be willing to accept the result. That includes recognizing and accepting that we may never accomplish what we set out to accomplish. We must also accept that the other party may never understand our point of view or apologize for their actions. Knowing this allows you to refrain from putting any more energy into the grudge, individual, or argument than neccessary. And as previously stated, you can learn to resolve the issues without living in the issues.
Final Thoughts
If the other party completes all of the steps above, we must be ready to accept that what they take from the confrontation, argument, or issue may not be what we intended. We will not always be able to make someone see our point. Thus, we must accept that the argument may never reach a desired resolution. But, as we identify this, we can forgive and let go of trying to control the outcome. Forgiveness is about releasing control to gain control of your peace and sanity. It's about accepting and letting go of the things we cannot change, to maintain the energy used trying to control them.
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