I am not ashamed to admit that I saw my parents, in different ways, struggle with properly expressing anger. Therefore I too I had anger issues.
I would witness them throwing things, intense yelling, running with guns, etc. But regardless to their method of madness, all I recall is the madness!
I don't recall witnessing either of my parents deal with the anger in a way that they were able to remain calm while expressing frustration/anger. Therefore I didn't know what a healthy discussion was or why it was important.
And to be honest, until I got angry I didn't realize how much energy is exhausted in a fit of anger, rage or frustration.
It is literally physically, mentally and emotionally draining!
I decided that I needed to spend time getting to know myself.
During that exploration, I came to realize (on my path to becoming better) that I definitely needed to address and discover a few different things...
1) What was the reason I was so angry?
2) Why did I allow others to get the best of me (anger me so much I loss control of my emotions)?
3) Determine how to regain control over my reaction (emotions).
I recognized that I needed to tackled each of these individually, to regain control over my energy.
ONE: WHAT WAS THE REASON I WAS SO ANGRY?
When we think anger, often times we think that someone else provoked a response from us based on his/her action. Yet, we fail to recognize that typically there's an underlying issue ( or trigger) that we have yet to encounter and address, that amplifies our reaction when slightly annoyed and/or irritated. It essentially takes us from rational to angry in a matter of moments.
"In order to identify why we anger we have to identify the trigger."-Audreyanna Garrett
I realized that one of my triggers was created by my father. And I would become angered when men would make promises they did not keep. I would get so upset when my dad would promise me things and later change his mind or would not show up for me.
Those broken promises hurt so much, it turned into unresolved anger. And with that being the basis of my frustration, it turned into anger with not only broken promises, but lies (in general), with not just my father, but all men...
The other trigger was unconsiously embedded by my mother and the repeated emphasis on the importance of respect. When someone would blatantly disrespect me, it was almost second nature for me to respond with action to display why that "disrespect" was intolerable.
I had to learn that to gain control over my reaction would be the only way to keep others from getting the best of me.
TWO: WHY DID I ALLOW OTHERS TO GET THE BEST OF ME?
Two is tricky because you don't really believe that someone is getting the best of you.
With regard to the triggers I mentioned prior, my response to those triggers was my way of protecting myself or standing up for myself. I not once felt like I was allowing someone to get the best of me. In fact I believed the opposite, that I was preventing someone for getting the best of me.
In order for me to understand that to respond in anger is not a true attempt to prevent someone from getting the best of me, I had to be objective in each scenario. I had to be open to seeing how much energy I exerted trying to "prevent someone from getting the best of me" and/or showing anger and frustration.
"I realized that I allowed people to anger me, because I didn't realize that I had no control over their response, I only had control over my own..."-Audreyanna Garrett
THREE: DETERMINE HOW TO REGAIN CONTROL OVER MY REACTION.
Showing so much anger, suggests that you care more for the person or situation than you may for yourself.
In moments of anger and frustration you take very little (if no time at all) to consider the consequence of that action (or reaction). And that lack of consideration suggests that you have no regard for the future consequence.
You relinquish control over the outcome when you act without consideration to the future consequence.
In order to gain control, you have to give consideration to what could happen, in order to prevent it from happening. Explore whether the reaction is worth the consequence, and whether the person is worth the reaction.
There are people who we come into contact with who mean us no good, and actively try to push buttons to see how much of a response they can get from us. Those people do NOT deserve that energy. Those people do not deserve a reaction of any kind.
Until you understand this, you will constantly give your energy (via anger) to people who not only do not mean you well, and who are certainly NOT worth the energy. So keep that energy for you!
Manage your response and conserve your energy for more worthwhile causes!
Love is far more deserving of your focus than foolish!