Recognizing the Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship: Protecting Your Well-Being!
Unhealthy relationships are often categorized as "toxic." However, I purposefully will not use the term "toxic" in this post because it is overused and not always appropriate. Many use the term "toxic," to generally defined an unhealthy relationship, but I like to consider the term toxic as more appropriate for personality traits and characteristics to look out for, e.g., gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, and control. What I will do here is to provide you with tools to recognize when to pursue a relationship or when not to pursue a relationship. Because whether we want to realize it or not, we have the priviledge of choice. Therefore, we get to choose to seek a relationship that protects our well-being (healthy relationship) or jeopardizes it (unhealthy relationship).
First and foremost, to ensure we are operating under the same understanding, an unhealthy relationship is defined as follows: a relationship that stunts or prevents growth and development, frequently triggers emotional distress, and enables patterns of destructive behavior.
To understand how to interpret the content of this post, it is essential to recognize that this definition is NOT specific to one party. And as well-intentioned as most individuals are, many rarely refrain from pursuing relationships when they are not ready. Therefore, I want to assign responsibility to you (the reader) to recognize the warning signs shown to you and the warning signs you display. Ultimately, if you utilize this post well, you will 1) choose not to pursue a relationship that you are not healthy enough to endure and 2) accept when you can no longer benefit from an unhealthy relationship and leave.
HERE ARE 3 WARNING SIGNS OF AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!
WARNING SIGN # 1 - Unhealed Trauma
I want first to point out that this warning sign is specific to "unhealed" trauma because it would be unrealistic to assume that you could encounter someone on this planet who has not yet experienced trauma. Research supports that roughly 80% of the U.S. population will experience at least one traumatic event in their lifetime (van den Berk-Clark, 2018). So, to recognize this warning sign is not just about calling out that the trauma exists but that an effort has been made to address the trauma or heal from it. To do that, you need to have self-awareness. Lacking self-awareness keeps you emotionally damaged and incapable of giving and receiving love healthily.
Now, even though trauma is a word widely used, it's still a word that not too many know the "appropriate" definition for. So, to ensure that we are aligned in our understanding, trauma is defined as follows: 1) an emotional response to a natural disaster, 2) “exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence by directly experiencing the traumatic event(s)," (or) 3) observing (and re-witnessing) in person, the traumatic event(s) (Mikal-Flynn et al., 2018).
When attempting to recognize unhealed trauma, the short answer is to ask questions!
Often, we don't get to the tough conversations during the dating period/stage, but that's precisely when we should be inquiring. Now, I am not saying to ask straight out, "What trauma do you have that is unhealed?". I recommend that you ask it subtly, e.g., "Tell me about any experience that you have that affected you," or "Tell me about something that you are working through?" etc. While these are questions that you want to build up a level of trust for, once that trust is established you should be asking them. Their response will let you know if you have anything that could present in an unhealthy way in your relationship.
Addressing unhealed trauma requires acknowledging the traumatic experience to refrain from ignoring and avoiding the experience. The warning sign will present in the response or failure to respond. Avoidance and defensiveness traits that are harmful to the relationship. Avoidance and defensiveness are also internal triggers that illustrate areas we must pay attention to, so avoiding those highlights great area for self development.
We often refuse to deal with situations/experiences because we fear the perception of others and the feelings associated with reliving or reexperiencing the traumatic experience. At the point you find yoruself avoidant and defensive when having emotional conversations, save yourself time trying to assign a trait to the behavior you are exhibiting or experiencing. Be honest with yourself and take time to heal. Your healing will prompt you to have greater insight when determining unhealed trauma in others.
WARNING SIGN # 2 - Codependency
Codependent individuals are typically unable to operate independently in life in general, but especially in a relationship. It is often referred to as clingy but is much more involved than that. Codependent individuals rely on their partner (or others) for full emotional or financial support (or in many instances both). These individduals do not have a sense of independence (self-worth) outside of relaitonships or partnerships. When someone solely depends on another for emotional or financial support, that is a concern because a relationship (or partnership) should be multually beneficial. Codependency is regarded as a warning sign because when you can recognize it, you should accept that this is not something that you can help your partner overcome by maintain the same dynmaic they have become dependent upon. For one person to shoulder the burden of emotional support and intelligence is draining and unfair. And untilmaley beocmes unstatisfying for the individual shouldering the burden. This is a critical sign of all the warning signs of an unhealthy relationships, as it gives way to stagnancy.
WARNING SIGN # 3 - Stagnancy
Now, because so many people want to categorize everything as toxic when the relationship is not going their way, I want to be clear to share that this warning sign is not specific to individual stagnancy. However, individual stagnancy can give way stagnancy presenting in the relationship. This warning sign speaks on stagnancy in regard to the relationships/partnership.
Stagnancy in the relationship can take on many forms, presenting in different ways but those most common include (but are not limited to) the following: 1) reduced communication, 2) reduced intimacy, 3) emotionally disconnected, 4) diminished quality time, 5) focus on areas outside the relationship or 6) giving energy to activities outside the relationships.
To ensure that we are all on the same page, stagnancy in a relationship is defined in this context as drastic reduction or ending to the relationships dynamic that encourage engagement, excitement, passion, emotional fulfilment and growth. In other words, relationships are thriving when partners are collectively working on goals, excited to expand the bounds of their relationship by developing deeper emotional connections and maintaining constant interest in one another as individuals. When partnerships/relationships are thriving, there is open communication, a sense of freedom, constant support and appreciation. It is when these things become far and few in between that your relationship is in jeopardy.
I recomend therapy of course as a remedy for stagnancy in relatuionships. However, where effort is not matched, take this warning sign as a signal to leave.
PROTECTING YOUR WELL-BEING!
Remember, the choice is yours! You can choose not to pursue a relationship you are not healthy enough to endure. Similarly, it is recommended that you learn when to seek outside support or remove yourself from (leave) an unhealthy relationship as the warning signs present. Recognizing two or more warning signs of an unhealthy relationship signal a greater level of complexity that requires efforts that you alone can not fix. Assuming responsibility for your personal deficits is one thing. But to believe that you can heal someone else is another. If you are not a licensed therapist, counselor, or psychologist, you are likely not qualified to handle the needs. Don't attempt to take on more than you can handle. Again, it is recommended that you learn when to seek outside support or leave an unhealthy relationship as the warning signs present.
REFERENCES Mikal-Flynn, J., Anderson, L. S., & Hoffman, J. (2018). Posttraumatic Growth and MetaHabilitation in Recreational Therapy Practice: A Strengths-Based Pathway to Recovery. Therapeutic Recreation Journal, 52(3), 269. https://doi.org/10.18666/TRJ-2018-V52-I3-8675
van den Berk-Clark, C., Myerson, J., Green, L., & Grucza, R. A. (2018). Past trauma and future choices: Differences in discounting in low-income, urban African Americans. Psychological Medicine, 48(16), 2702–2709. doi:10.1017/S0033291718000326
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