When trying less, gets you more...
In a recent conversation I said something differently that I've said several times in the past, I said:
"Choices and actions are a reflection of what we want...When you want to do right by someone, you don’t have to try...you just do..."
Now marinate on that for a second. Seems that on the surface it's very easy to understand, but what I've noticed, is that the first thing that people say when they are in a relationship and having difficulty is "I'm trying".
How many times have you said, "I'm trying" in the past?
Whether it be trying to work on compromise, trying to fix something/work out an issue, or trying to make it better; we often associate trying with effort in relationships that essentially require very little effort!
When you have learned how you love (and can articulate that to others), when you can recognize the role of acceptance in relationships (acceptance of yourself and others) and the importance of attraction, everything is effortless.
You will find that you get lost in the days of bliss by just doing what you want to do, and not trying to do things to make it better...
Do you see where I am going with this?
If not, let's break the quote down...
PART I: CHOICES & ACTIONS
So, what do I mean by, "Choices and actions are a reflection of what we want..."?
Well that's simple, right? (I won't insult you.) So lets take the act of cheating into consideration to give it more depth.
Our behavior is a reflection of things that we WANT. When someone cheats, they usually go back to their partner and apologize for it. They say "baby I'm sorry" or "I didn't mean it" or "It won't happen again" right?
But those apologies are empty, because none of those speak to the individual's motive and/or choice behind the behavior. First, when your partner shows you different behaviors, stop rationalizing. And two, allow yourself to consider that he/she basically did something that they wanted to do!
Well first because the cheater has not identified that apologies are a reflection of how much someone is loved and/or liked, but not a reflection of someone's worth or value. And two, because while the cheater may love you, he/she didn't value you or your relationship enough to behave differently.
So again, apologies are a reflection of how much someone is loved and/or liked, but not a reflection of someone's worth or value.
Get it now?
I hope so, but also consider this: People love individuals that they do not value everyday.
Think about a friend you may like and/or love, but once you lost that relationship it didn't mean much to you. The lesson is in what that relationship meant. Because when it doesn't mean anything, it's because it was NOT valued or worth anything to you.
Same happens in relationships. We like to think we are worth more to someone because of how much we value them. We assume that the individual must value us the same as we do them, and that is not always true.
**(And yes I will write about recognizing value and worth next.)
Problem is, we get caught up in trying to make them value us, as we value them, when we shouldn't have to try to make that happen. When relationships are scarily easy, that usually means the relationship is true and it is meant to be. That's the person you need to see as your wife and/or husband. That's the person fate chose for you. It's not the person you have to fight with for understanding or acceptance. And it's certainly not the person you have to fight with for love, affection and attention.
But again, to many of us associate the effort or "the fight" for that love, with how much that person values us. And that has nothing to do with it. You can be loved and not be valuable...
I guarantee that if you stopped trying, you'd see just how effortless love really is, and how unfit your partner may be. Which takes me to part II.
PART II: STOP TRYING
"When you want to do right by someone, you don’t have to try...you just do..."
Some of us have experienced the true effortlessness of love, and can easily understand what this means.
But others do not yet accept that their marriage was destined for divorce, or that the 10 year relationship will never be a "marriage", or that the situation-ship will never be more than a situation...
Because when in relationships with mature adults, you don't have to explain what you are worth, you don't have to say, "I deserve better/more", and you don't ever have to remind them that you make them better. Mature people know those things. And people who value you, certainly don't need to be told because they show you!
Now when I say "mature" that speaks to a lot of things. But in short, it primary speaks to an individual's level of growth. Because unfortunately a lot of us are "trying" in relationships with immature people. And you will keep trying because those are individuals who are still learning how to love, how they want to be loved, how to accept and be accepting, and the difference between love and value.
But once you "stop trying", you will be able to recognize and see the level of immaturity. And maybe then you can accept that those individuals need to be allowed time to grow or they will break your spirit to love, solely because they are too immature.
So, instead of believing we can grow people and help them change, we have to recognize when they need to be left alone! (Another blog post coming soon...)
Because when you really love and value someone, you don't try, you just do...and everything you do is what you want to do (makes you happy) and is ultimately with consideration to your partner. You don't cheat, because you don't want to, you're happy. You don't lie because you don't want to. You don't manipulate, because you don't want to. Everything becomes easy, because that's the effortlessness of loving and being valued!
Remember value and love are not the same. Being loved doesn't always mean being valued.
I encourage you to practice what you have learned. Essentially stop trying, and come back and tell me how that felt for you, what you recognized and how you begin to see how little or how much the other person values you...share your thoughts in the comments below.