I have written about compatibility, attraction, and expectations many times. Still, it wasn't until recently that I realized that many of us have difficulty accepting the difference between our expectations and what we regard as compatibility in relationships. So, through my efforts to increase understanding and awareness, please allow me to use this post to explain differences between compatibility, and unnecessary and unrealistic expectations.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS?

At a fundamental level, standards and expectations are often confused. I’ve discussed this distinction before, so I’ll keep the definitions brief. Standards are desired behaviors that are clearly established and communicated. For example, telling someone you’ve just met how you expect to be treated, and what behaviors you will or will not accept, is setting a standard.

Expectations, on the other hand, are desired responses or behaviors that have not been communicated. Thus making them assumptions ultimately. Assumptions are dangerous. They set you up for extreme disappointment. Disappointment that you brought on yourself but that your lack of emotinoal inteligence, lack of accountability and immaturity will suggest that the problem is the other person. Therefore, this distinction is why I previously wrote an entire blog post about living without expectations (CLICK HERE TO READ IT). Quite frankly, expectations are unnecessary. And while I understand that people may feel strongly about this, passion for the argument will not change the fact that unspoken expectations are assumptions... And it’s unrealistic to require something from someone when they may not even know the requirement exists or whether they’re capable of meeting it.

DEFINING UNNECESSARY OR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS?

When you expect people to react a certain way, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment because you don’t control how anyone else responds. And if you haven’t clearly communicated, it makes no sense to hold someone accountable to something they don’t even know exists. If you want to learn to recognize unnecessary and unrealistic expectations, I share a simple rule below.

HERE'S A SIMPLE RULE TO APPLY: Set standards (notice I did not use expectations) only where there is clear communication, mutual understanding, and personal control, because anything outside of that becomes an assumption, not a standard. In other words, if you didn’t say it out loud and you don’t control it, don’t expect it.

The moment you assume someone will act a certain way, you’ve stepped into unrealistic territory. Again, you can’t control how someone responds. And getting upset with someone for not saying, doing, or reacting the way you expected, that’s not only unnecessary, it’s avoidable.

Furthermore, here are some tips to support with identifying and discouraging unrealistic expectations:

1. Question: "Did I actually say this out loud?" Again, if the expectation was never clearly communicated, it’s not a standard, it’s an assumption.

2. Assess your Level of Control. If the outcome depends on someone else’s emotions, timing, capabilities, choices, etc., expecting a specific response is unrealistic.

3. Recognize the Emotional Attachment to the Outcome. Strong emotions often signal expectations. The more upset you’d feel if it doesn’t happen, the more likely you’re expecting rather than agreeing or requesting.

4. Look for Patterns of “Should” Language Use. Thoughts like they should know, they should just do it, or they should respond better usually point to unspoken expectations.

5. Seek to Provide Clarity and Understand Capability. If the person may not know the expectation exists, or hasn’t agreed they can meet it, make sure you communicate clearly and engage in a discussion ot uncover their capacity to meet you rneeds. But it’s not reasonable to expect compliance in the absence of clarity and discussion.

6. Distinguish desire from agreement.Wanting something does not mean it was discussed, accepted, or mutually understood.

7. Watch your reaction when it’s unmet.Disproportionate frustration, resentment, or anger is often a sign that an expectation—not a standard—was violated.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH COMPATIBILITY?

When you are in relationships, especially those you may have been in for a while, you tend to believe that the people you love will conform to your expectations and be everything you want them to be. What's worse is that we often feel like this without even communicating the very things we expect and/or want.

The WORST thing you can do in a relationship is to expect your partner to be what you want them to be. Or even assume that they will "grow" to be everything you want them to be. This hinders developing a healthy relationship dynamic because you are restricting yourself from truly connecting with the other person and learning about them in order to accept them. When you place expectations on someone, you don't want to know who they are, you only wish them to be who you want them to. That is a toxic way to navigate a relationship and will NOT facilitate a healthy, lasting connection.

Starting a new relationship expectation change instead of working toward acceptance, is unhealthy and toxic. Despite what many may believe, compatibility is NOT solely only about having things in common or having needs met. Compatibility, recognizes dimensions of difference and appreciates differences. Compatibility, however, by definition, thanks to Google, is the ability to coexist without conflict. The element of coexistence, concerning compatibility, is often ignored, but it's the most important thing as it signifies acceptance.

ARE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER NO LONGER COMPATIBLE?

Just because you love someone doesn't mean you accept them. And those you don't accept, you can NOT coexist with.

It's that simple. So, if you notice that you and your partner are arguing and/or disagreeing a lot, it may mean that you may no longer be compatible. But it could also mean that you could benefit form individual development to support develping habits that facilitate healthy connections/relationships. Becuase where you are accountable for how you show up in relationships, you can properly evaluate whether the issues lie with you, with the other party or both. And where you recognize maturity development or emotional growth needs, move on. Waste no time trying to make someone work on what will ultimately fall a part...

Furthermore, from a psychological perspective, relationship compatibility is less about chemistry and more about alignment. It’s rooted in shared values, emotional regulation, and communication styles, not identical interests or the absence of conflict. Compatible partners can manage their own emotions, communicate needs clearly, repair after disagreements, and respect each other’s boundaries. Attachment styles, mutual growth capacity, and how conflict is handled matter more than how often conflict occurs. Ultimately, healthy compatibility is built on clearly communicated standards, not unspoken expectations, and on interdependence that allows connection without losing one’s sense of self.

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