As I concluded the "Black Love" series, some things that were said really got me to thinking. Obviously one of those thoughts were considering how many people were in relationships with men and women who they didn't like or didn't desire enough to make it work. I first considered how do you get to become that person. And then I considered what keeps you from leaving, which ultimately lead to answering the question of why do we choose to remain in partner LESS partnerships.
And for those thinking what makes me qualified to speak on this, I say to you, if you asked many people who know me, they may regard me as someone who "knows it all", when in fact I don't proclaim to be that way at all. I am just VERY intuitive, so much so that I believe that my ability to read people and listen to my instinct combined makes me suitable enough to answer these next three questions. That is considering I am not yet a psychologist. So you can listen to me or choose not to, but the odds of this being helpful are greater than not... #yourchoice
HOW DID I GET HERE?
Truth is many of us know exactly how we landed in the situations we don't want to be in, but we just lack the desire to confront the reality of it.
So, we don't really need tools to help us answer this question, we need to be willing to admit it to ourselves why we never faced it...
But for those who just want something to encourage them, remember that if you fail to confront and accept the answer to the question "how did I get here", you are denying yourself truth. You are denying yourself an opportunity for growth. You are denying yourself happiness.
I encourage you to do this, pull out a notebook and think about (and write down) where you were in life at the point you started the
relationship. Then consider the pros and cons of the relationship at that point in your life. Fast forward to present, write down where you are currently, and the pros and cons of maintaining (staying in) the
In the words of the Christmas classic, The Santa Clause, "Seeing is in believing, believing is seeing..."
And when you read those responses be ok with saying this was my truth at that point, but it is no longer my truth and now I have to move on...
WHY DID I STAY?
Now the answer to question two is often a slap in the face. Because when answering the "why" you have to confront your insecurities, you have to be willing to change your perspective to be better. You have to be willing to forgive yourself for the choices you've made, and/or the chances not taken.
I mean you are basically asking, why you would stay somewhere you don't want to be...
In hindsight, the answer to this (on the most basic level) is in what you feel you will lose. Regardless to the consequences, most often you tend to fear loss and change more than disrespect, manipulation, cheating, etc. And when you have to answer this question, you're forced to see your true self. You are forced to confront the insecure person, who doesn't love themselves and who fears change (loss of a partner) more than their own self growth. Because when you do (answer this question), it doesn't often speak to the person you're with, it says the most about the person you are!
It's a whole new perspective on the idea of self-love, a very realistic one..
WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?
If you can do those things provided/suggested in questions one and two, and answer the questions wholeheartedly, there is nowhere else to go up.
Peace is the result of living in truth.
Acceptance relinquishes the fear that we cling to to explain our rationale. But we don't need explanations for the truth right. It is what it is. If we learn to stop justifying the unjustifiable, we can find more of the truth and walk in it.
Moving on and change can be scary, but only if you don't see the benefit of it, so what will you see moving forward?
Life is one of the most complicated things, when living is essentially easy. We really have to make the effort for our lives to be beneficial. We have to be willing to put in the work to change for the better, will you?