Free to Be

So many people in this world still long to be carefree. But being free is something I've had the pleasure of being for as long as I can remember because I am, without a doubt, sure that I am unapologetically who I am. So why not share that wealth? Why not provide a tool to support others in developing unapologetic self-expression? If for no other reason than to empower us to be 100% authentic in every way.

So why is it such a struggle for some to be free and unapologetically themselves? Short answer: we bind ourselves to the opinions of others. Holding someone else's perception of us higher than our own will always encourage us to meet those perceptions, which also suggests that others' opinions of us matter more than our own.

In my personal experience, I feel very fortunate to have accepted myself 100%. I know myself better than anyone and take the good, bad, and ugly. This means, however, that I had a hard time understanding why others didn't understand that my intention was always good despite the negative impact of the delivery. In hindsight, I know why I always felt misunderstood. While my heart and intention were (and are) always in and from a good place, and as I believe I speak with the utmost sincerity, I had to learn that it was not a reflection of me but of the self-development path and journey of others.

When we are still operating in the journey of self-development and discovery, the traits and qualities we admire in others can present in one of two ways: 1) rejected due to feelings of inadequacy, resulting in unfair labeling, or 2) refusing to accept certain realities about ourselves that may have been triggered. In other words, it is easy to label an authentic individual as mean or rude when you refuse to accept certain truths about yourself. Or because you operate in certain realities about who you are that others cannot or are unwilling to accept within themselves.

But despite how others perceived me, I never let that taint my perception of myself. I always believed I was a good person, maybe without a filter, but a good person indeed. I learned to be myself while preparing others for my honesty.

Here are 5 things I've learned about being unapologetic!

I. SHARE THE BOUNDS OF YOUR PERSONALITY FIRST!

On your journey, a focus on self-awareness is crucial. That is the only way that you will eventually be able to articulate who you are to others. And with that comes being able to share the aspects and bounds of your personality. I have found that giving others the chance to agree to engage with you gives them a choice, as well as you the option to get permission to engage authentically. Whether we want to believe it or not, we are inclined to want to be liked and embraced by others. But when you are being authentic, it is very possible that you will not be able to

Frankly, you should know all the pros and cons of your personality. Additionally, you should be able to articulate what it would look like to someone who is your friend or loves you.

When you are mature, you can articulate what those pros and cons are, and give the other party the choice to love you in spite of. But you can only give someone else the choice to accept you as is when you wholeheartedly accept yourself.

If you want someone to accept you at face value, it doesn't hurt to let people know what they are getting with you in their life. For example, explain to them how you are extremely honest, cheap, or have no regard for tact. Whatever it is that you know people usually take issue with, let them know what those things are up front, so they can prepare themselves for what is to come. Then you allow them to accept or walk away, so you don't have to feel any remorse.

Understanding this comes with the consequence of knowing that you will not always please people or make them feel good. Sometimes you will hurt them. But when you understand the difference between your intent and their perception, this won't impact you as much. You can be unapologetic because eventually you'll learn how to allow them to exist in their hurt without feeling the impact of their emotions.

II. BE YOU, BUT BE WILLING TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, NOT FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

On this walk of life, we evolve and grow, we come into contact with others whom we regard as friends and may even develop love for. But one thing we often forget is that love, depending on how deep and complex it is, can entice us to change ourselves, to meet their needs. And we often fail to realize that not everything we do is bad, mean, or rude, just because it hurts someone else's feelings.

So how do you recognize when you change for the better or change to meet someone else's expectation (appeal to their feelings)?

All you have to do is examine your intent/motivation behind your behavior. And be honest with yourself. Ask questions like, "Am I being completely honest?", "Am I trying to hurt this person?" or "Do I want them to feel my pain?" These questions help you examine your intent and motivation, as well as attempt to rationalize the other party's motivation surrounding your change.

This way when someone else comes to you requesting that you change or treat them differently, you can determine whether they are rejecting your behavior because they want to deny your truth, or if they are requesting a change so that you can treat them in the manner they treat you.

Oftentimes, we think it is outrageous for people to request us to be anything other than ourselves. And in some instances that may be true, but what I have learned is this, when you are loved by someone who meets all of your needs, it is often easy to require them to accept all of you, even at their expense. Which if you love someone, this ideology is selfish. So it's ok to be better for those you love, without compromising who you are, but understand when the intent is not genuine.

III. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED!

The moral code exists for a reason, to ensure that we are holding ourselves accountable for our actions. A part of being unapologetic is understanding that you have an obligation to operate within a moral code.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Simple enough, right?

The point is to make sure that you are always content with how you treat others. With that, however, comes understanding that you can not control someone else's response. You have to learn that just because you don't appease them, it doesn't mean you did wrong by them.

IV. DON'T ACCEPT NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR FROM OTHERS!

Often, we don't realize how someone else's negative response and behavior impact us emotionally and/or mentally. Some people refuse to accept that their behavior provokes a negative response. Some people also have a hard time accepting that you've been "putting up" with their negative behavior, so they believe it's okay to continue to treat you in that manner. You have to learn NOT to accept negative behavior from others.

It sounds cliché, but you really do have to tell/teach people how to treat you.

Otherwise, if you don't, you have to accept that many do not yet govern themselves by a moral code, so they don't see any issues with their behavior. They will never understand what your problem is with how they treat you because they have no regard for common courtesy, consideration, or respect for others.

Learn to be unapologetic about setting the tone for others' treatment of you. Don't feel bad for requiring more; if they respect you and care about you, they will meet your expectations.

V. FORGIVE YOURSELF!

Despite our intention, there are times when we will be emotionally impacted by how we make someone else feel.

The people we allow to impact us are typically those we regard as family and/or individuals we care deeply about (significant others). It is very easy to embody their feelings as our own and beat ourselves up for making them hurt in a way that was never our intention.

But to be unapologetic, you must forgive yourself, first for the pain you may have caused and second for being you.

If you said something that hurt someone else and it was regarded as your truth at the time, despite how you made the other person feel, you need to forgive yourself for being you and move on from it.

If your love and concern for the individual are mutual and real, they will understand and move past their hurt because they know it was never your intention. So, there is no need to hold on to their pain and punish yourself when they will ultimately get over it, right?

Essentially, we are all capable of being unapologetic, but it really encompasses acceptance, acknowledgement, and forgiveness.

I encourage you to be yourself, embrace who you are, be clear about the extent of your personality, and give people the chance to accept it or deny it. And if they deny you, don't embody that rejection; know that they can not appreciate you for who you are. Because there will always be someone for whom you don't have to change. And truth be told, those who judge you based on your ability to be carefree wish they could be just as liberated.

With that being said, there is no reason not to be UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU!

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