Commitment Phobia & Situationships

While I can't specifically pinpoint the start of the term "situationship", I must admit that I was never very fond of it. To me, a situationship always equated to complacency. And no one serious about their future is complacent. No one serious about marriage is willing in a situation. Lastly, no one who is committed to finding a life partner even uses the term "situationship". And I mean no one.

Take that little nugget and absorb it as you wish, because I am pretty sure someone is cyber-arguing with me about how "real" their situationship is. But as I like to say "let's be clear", anyone identifying you as a situation, is not worth arguing about, and shouldn't be considered as a potential life partner, as that's not their goal (definitely not an immediate goal).

I will, however, grant a small benefit of the doubt to those who have allowed themselves to be swindled by the hope of a fairytale. But please note that any man or woman who wants to intentionally pursue you will do just that. And the concept of a situation will NEVER be in mind. It won't be something they pursue and it certainly won't be a frequently used term in their vocabulary.

Through this post, I hope to challenge and encourage you to change your perspective. And remind you not to get so caught up in your desperation for a happily ever after that you fail to recognize the reality of your non-existent relationship. Because I just hate to see so many of you continue to ignore the truth slapping you in the face because you choose to continue to hope for something you don't see. All while willfully ignoring all the warning signs...but I digress.

In my efforts to steer us back to the topic at hand, I pose the following :

What do situationships have to do with commitment phobia?

Well, that answer is quite simple. If you find yourself in a series of "situations" or "situationships" it's very likely that you or the person you are with is suffering from some severe commitment issues. Because let's face it, the only thing keeping you two from being in a committed relationship is fear.

Fear is the #1 (and I think it's safe to say only reason) many people will NOT commit.

Situationships are safe because you can bounce back from disappointment faster. You understand there were no expectations easier. And even after wasting your time building a pointless emotional connection, you justify the "break-up" or separation as "it was never anything serious anyway!"

But why go through all that when you can just say "No" to a situationship altogether? Why not actively try to work on yourself first? Why not try to identify those commitment issues (fears) and address them, so you can be in a committed and meaningful relationship in the future?

There is no reason to shortchange yourself. If you truly loved yourself I wouldn't have to talk you into doing the best thing for you.

However, for those of you that need more of a reason than this, please note the information below.

Here are 5 reasons you may fear commitment...

I. History of Communication Issues

Many of us do not give the necessary attention to developing our communication skills. We are essentially communicably ignorant. Or I guess a better word would be deficient. Not trying to offend. But either way, we lack the skills to communicate properly. And hold no value for proper communication.

Why else would we willingly commit to being noncommittal?

The pattern of witnessing repetitive miscommunication in our home, coupled with poor communication skills is very discouraging. If you have never witnessed good communication, it's natural to fear the unknown and/or believe that it can't be possible. You can't be optimistic about something you can't see. And you can't be excited about commitment when you don't believe good communication is possible...see where I am going with this?

II. Attachment Issues

If you can't understand the importance of vulnerability and/or it frightens you, you can safely classify yourself as having attachment issues. Allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable is necessary for a relationship, but if you are scared of doing that, you'll never be in a successful relationship. So why not come up with something called a "situationship" to try and deflect from your true issues?

The problem is, that attachment issues won't go away if they are not addressed. And you'll end up lonely before you're married, so may as well find a therapist and tackle this now, to ensure that you'll encounter a successful relationship later.

III. Instability (Financial Insecurity)

Finances were certainly going to make this list. But more so because of the ideals of success that we create. When we set boundaries and goals that are unobtainable (relative to our current circumstance) we create a fear of instability surrounding our financial situation, (e.g. financial insecurity).

Don't create an issue for yourself where there does not have to be one. Release those expectations and be ok with where you are. Set goals that are obtainable relative to your current financial situation.

IV. Relationship is Not a Priority

Individuals who commit willingly and actively prioritize being in a relationship. If you don't then frankly you don't want to be in one. Thus you can't or won't commit because you don't see the value in being in a relationship.

Makes sense right?

V. Emotionally Unavailable

Someone is going to think this is the same thing as attachment issues but I assure you it is not. Attachment issues are variable, as circumstances can drastically differ when considering why someone may fear attachment. Conversely, being emotionally unavailable is a choice to withdraw from any emotional connection. Attachment issues are essentially unidentified and/or unaddressed experiences. Thus, allowing yourself to be emotionally available and possessing emotional intelligence are somewhat different things. Although one slightly encompasses the other.

Essentially, emotionally unavailable individuals are emotionally unintelligent. There is a willing and active fight to keep emotions and feelings internal. This looks like someone who is choosing not to share feelings by closing themselves off to any attachment.

However emotional intelligence allows you to explore that deficit and identify the root of the issue. For clarity, because you all know how much I love my Google definitions, emotional intelligence is defined as "the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically." Thus, you are not only able to open up, but you too can control your response, make decisions, and rationalize things with a balance of emotion and rational. That in turn gives you confidence to be emotionally available and work on any attachment issues.

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I sincerely hope you become empowered to get more invested in your emotional stability and take an active effort in reducing and/or eliminating your fears surrounding commitment so that you too can encounter the joy and peace of LOVE.

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