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My mate should be willing to change for me, right?

August 11, 2017

 

If you’re anything like me, you’ve thought of changing a thing or two about your partner that would make them the perfect mate. And surly our ability to change our partner, has everything to do with the longevity of our relationship... Right?

 

Well that's what I thought before I realized changing someone does not yield a great foundation for love. 

 

And because on some level of consciousness, we know this to be true, before we make the request for our partner to change, we ask ourself “He/She should be willing to change for me right?”  

 

The immediate answer is usually, “If they love me, of course they should!”  So, then we feel confident enough to share our feelings with our partner, in hopes that they will willingly change for us. And while in some cases they actually do try to change for us, over time, it doesn’t quite workout because they feel like they're not good enough for us. Or they grow tired of not being true to themselves.

 

So, in response to the question “My Mate Should Be Willing To Change For Me, Right?”
 

THE ANSWER IS NO!

If you're asking yourself why not, take a moment to consider the idea that if you have the desire to change your mate, you may not really love him/her for who they are. You may only love your mate for who you believe they are capable of becoming. And that sets a bar of expectation that your mate never signed up for.

 

Think about that for a second. Because too often we believe in molding partners, when we know people are NOT made of clay. 

 

You can try to mold someone all you want, but when that person recognizes his purpose, or becomes grounded in who he/she is, that is the person they will be. And that is the person you will have to accept.

 

So why are we insistent on molding and changing our partners?  

 

Frankly we haven’t learned how to love our partners whole-heartedly.  We love with stipulations or an expectation of change.  I was no exception. Here's my story…

While I was in college, I thought I was with a man that would ultimately be my husband. We lived together for the bulk of our relationship and we were in a relationship for over 3 years. During that time I criticized him, dressed him up, gave him a new look, etc. And in my mind, I felt that I loved, knew and accepted everything about him. Therefore, I never considered that we may break-up. 

 

And like most, we hoped that we would still love one another in-spite of what we would become or were working toward becoming. But as I watched him gain confidence in the man he was and desired to be, he became different to me.

 

Not because he changed for the worse, but because what he was and desired to be was not what I thought I had fell in love with. So that’s when I realized I preferred to have the old him back, I wanted to be with the man he was, before the change.

 

It took sometime, but after I accepted the fact that he was no longer the same man, I couldn’t help but wonder if he only changed because he wanted to be someone else, or if he felt he wasn’t good enough for me...

 

In retrospect, I never imagined that in the midst of my criticism and push for change, that the man he would become, would be a person I truly did not desire.

 

The relationship ended, once the polarization of our relationship begin to show. Our relationship and the man he had become were too far gone to turn back. Yet, it was crazy to me because I realized that I was not in love with him. Not in the way I should have been.  

 

Why?  

 

I realized that I loved more of what I wanted him to be versus who he was.

 

I learned that loving him should have just been enough, and that my desire to change him stemmed from my inability to accept all that made him who he was.

I took this lesson into my next relationship, and I became a better lover.

 

When you love someone and can appreciate who they are, the good and bad, you will see that there will be a lot more harmony in the relationship. You love effortlessly. Everything that a relationship of love should be!

 

So, again, in response to the question “My Mate Should Be Willing To Change For Me, Right?”

 

THE ANSWER IS NO!

 

Accept everything about your partner, and love them wholeheartedly, with little to no expectation of change. Because if you can’t accept them, they will find someone who will.

 

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